Death by Instant Message

By MAUREEN DOWD

Washington

So now we have our first IM scandal.

We knew it was coming, all this personal information zinging back and forth across cyberspace at the speed of write, all this constantly streaming technology being inexorably adapted to the needs of desire.

IM-ing is like whispering, perfect for furtive, racy exchanges — or slimy, perverted ones. It’s as if your id had a typewriter. In a world where everything is instant, the delaying and censoring mechanisms that contributed to a civilized life are gone.

In the old days, there was a chance that career- or marriage-destroying letters would be, upon further consideration, thrown into the fireplace. IM’s, e-mails and BlackBerry billets-doux, more perilous forms of drunk dialing, have the wings of Mercury and the indestructibility of mercury.

But peripatetic pols, like gossipy high school girls, will not give up computer messaging just because creepy Mark Foley (a k a Maf54) got caught with his e-boxers down.

Indeed, the president and his top advisers were IM-ing just last night about the party’s meltdown. I hacked into the OVAL1600 chat room and prepared a transcript. Warning: politically explicit language, reader discretion advised.

Decider: hey

Rover08: ya

Decider: Dick, u here? Don?

DarthV: ya, potus

Rumstud74: ditto, boss

Decider: I called denny to tell him i just can’t quit him ...brokeback party ... did we decide right?

Rover08: ya ... even if we’re now the party of gays and a weak military, let’s not let the Dems paint us that way

DarthV: obvi

Rover08: btw, denny’s toll-free tip # was pretty lame ... 1-800-HORNDOG or whatev ... reporters r joking the spkr’s IM name is fatfallguy06 or CapitolRotunda

Decider: lol

Rumstud74: golly, dont care who gets voted off island, long as it’s not me :)

DarthV: dont worry, rummy, u know we’re BFFs

Decider: wait! I thought I was ur BFF ...

sexylibrarian: hon, sorry to interrupt, but i think denny and rummy should BOTH go ... they’re off the heez. women are hating on Foley and Iraq and it could ruin your admin

Rumstud74: ur a bigger pain than condi, laura ... why dont you go rd a book? read wdwrd’s book ... you sure helped him write it, litl ms tattletale

Decider: haha

sexylibrarian: george!

Decider: u know u r my First Babe ... as that ad goes, u must know karate, cause your body’s kickin’

DarthV: brb ...i’ve got kissinger on teh phone. Can u believe hes never heard of IM?

Rumstud74: hope the nsa’s not snoopin on that conversation

Decider: but I thought we only listened in on terrorists

Rumstud74: don’t ask, don’t tell, kid

DarthV: you’re a scream, rummy

Rumstud74: denny and I both wrestlers ... you think he’d know how to handle some man-on-man grappling w/o all this Henny Penny nonsense. lay the smackdown on nancy pelosi and pin the puny press on the mat

DarthV: you’ve still got the muscles and the moves, Big Guy

Rumstud74: OMG, dick, we gotta shut up Warner on getting outta Iraq and shut up Frist about getting in bed w/the Taliban ... and we gotta yank those pesky videos of snipers shooting at American soldiers off YouTube ...let’s fire up the old censorship machine

DarthV: that’s hot ... censorship is hot ... torture is waaay hot

Rover08: knock it off, you two ... back to biz ... this man-boy lovefest on the Hill is def messing up my mojo with evangelicals ... after all my hard work demonizing gays, my God-gap is shrinking

Decider: if the dems win the house, will they start investigating me?

Rover08: oh ya, that’s why we gotta get back on the offensive with our own agenda: pretending to keep the country safe

Decider: totes!

sexylibrarian: u coming to bed, Bushie?

Decider: do i have to read more shakespeares ... promised boy genius we’d play w/ the fart machine for a few min ... c u l8r ...

Rover08: whoopeeee!